This better be important, Jack.
I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay.
Lemon, Hank Hooper is on his way up from Philadelphia,
and he wants to meet with both of us.
Why does he want to meet me? Do you think it's a good thing?
It's not, Hon.
I saw that in a movie once, but in the movie, the guy was dead.
Nice tie, Jack.
How long have you been there?
I was sitting in that chair a minute ago.
Nope. That was me. What can I say.
I smell like leather.
And you must be Elizabeth Lemon.
Well, I'll be Bake McBrided. I know a Philly gal when I hug one.
Now, Elizabeth,
I like to look someone in the eye and smile
when I say that what you're doing is bad.
It's just horrible.
Without Tracy, your show is like my cholesterol.
The numbers are killing me.
So I'm going to cancel 'TGS'.
Hank, as you know, tonight is "TGS's" 100th episode.
And we've been getting some good media buzz.
We got on Wikipedia this week.
So you did 99 shows against all odds and reason.
That's something. Now it's time to rest.
Really? You want to cancel the only show on your network
starring a 42-year-old woman,
a show that is number 1
in its time slot among men 18 to 49 months left in prison?
I thought this company was a family,
but I guess it's that Austrian family and I am the girl in the basement
and you are the dad who has been brutally...
Thank you, Lemon.
What Liz is neglecting to tell you is that Tracy Jordan is back.
Oh, well, that's something.
And I would consider it a personal favor
if you would let them do the 100th episode
and then reevaluate the show with Tracy in it.
All right. You get one more shot.
Just like the Army doctor said to me after my weekend in Okinawa!
It's no wonder you're here with us good folks at KableTown
instead of running GE.
They're mean.
Jack Welch once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Super Bowl.
Is Tracy back? I'd hate to think I just lied to Hank.
Jeez, I'll get it done.
You know I'll do whatever it takes, Lemon style.
Everybody dance now!
But you're going to get me another sandwich,
or I'm going to cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin.
I will waste you!
You'll have to go through this old bastard first!
And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury
because I'm a hologram.
What is the hold-up with Tracy? I thought you found him.
I did find him, but he's still crazy.
He thinks he can't be funny anymore
because now he's a big Oscar winner, people respect him too much.
He told me he feels like a Bartram's Scrub-Hairstreak
trying to crawl back into its silky cocoon
which is a butterfly metaphor, by the way,
and not, as I first thought,
a list of African-American hair products.
Well, you just need to turn the beautiful butterfly back
into a drunk, incompetent caterpillar.
And I have a plan.
I booked him on every morning show in New York.
Tracy will destroy all his good will in time for rehearsal.
I've been prepping him all week.
So, Tracy Jordan,
my wife, Joy, and I were at Mar-A-Lago...
Jesus was black!
Just get him back in time for the show.
I have a very full plate.
Really? Is it from that pie place?
And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.
Oh. Okay. Fine.
But just to be clear...
There is no pie.
Okay.
Who wears a swimsuit to Denny's? That's her!
- That's me! - That's Pam!
The overly confident morbidly obese woman.
And cut!
Congratulations, everyone.
In 100 shows, we've done "Pam" 107 times.
Can you believe it's been 5 years since we first started doing this?
That wasn't me. There used to be another guy.
I don't think so.
Happy 100th show, Ms. Maroney.
Danny and I were just talking about what an amazing 5 years we've had.
I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!
Give me back my man, bitch!
Can you reminisce about something that's happened
since I've been here, 'cause I couldn't see any of that.
I'll never forget what you said to me after that first show, Ms. Maroney.
Terrific show, Ma'am.
If I know anything about television, The Girlie Show is a hit!
Oh, please. If this turkey goes 100 episodes, I'll have your baby.
I said that?
I was so young.
Wait, I saw that. How? Am I dead?
Well, it's been 100 episodes,
I better lay you across my grandmother's lap in the mating shed.
But seriously, imagine if Jenna really was a mother.
It would be horrible!
I don't know, Ms. Maroney, I think
you'd make a wonderful parent.
You could sing the baby to sleep, and tell it fairy tales
and act out all the witch parts.
You're serious?
Oh, you albino goon!
I wish. Albinos get to be watchers in the mating shed.
I can't even imagine you pregnant.
A picture of you in U S Weekly next to Natalie Portman
in the same maternity outfit, "Who wore it best?"
I did. I wore it best.
A baby gets you attention.
Okay, listen up, friends.
It's pep-talk time.
I'm not going to sugar coat anything here.
If we don't get Tracy back and do the best show that we've ever done,
we're cancelled.
So, we're counting on Tracy?
Forget it!
Frank, but that bigger hat back on.
Look, we've been through bad times before.
Riding straight to hell!
Here come the roofies.
Where's my mac and cheese?
And we've had some good times.
Who wants... my puddings!
And I know what you are all capable of.
This is your moment.
Tonight, 'TGS' will not be the worst thing on television.
It'll be John Stossel!
Who's with me?
- Yeah! - Let's do it!
Gas leak, huh?
Great. Damn it!
Why now, on my last day before retirement?
Here, let me show you guys something.
That's my girl. We're getting married when I get out of here.
Why am I showing you guys this? It's going to jinx everything.
Plus, you're a couple of pervs.
We should be all right as long as the leak doesn't get into...
Ah, damn it, look at this.
It's going right into the 6th-floor air duct.
Damn it again!
Well, we're going to have to evacuate the 6th
until this thing's taken care of.
Who's up there? 'TGS'?
Isn't that show already half-dead?
Who wants to kiss?
Let's say we get some fresh air.
Jack, we have a problem.
There's a gas leak in the studio.
Do you know what I find fascinating?
Mystery novels written by janitors?
How everyone who comes through my doors
seems to want to talk about 'TGS'
as if it's also the only thing in my life.
Now, I may not be the head of GE,
but that doesn't mean I'm not a very busy man.
I've got other things going on too, you know?
See? I got a new hair.
- It's white and it hurts, but... - How bad is this leak?
It's pretty bad, prolonged exposure could lead to incapacitation
or even death.
Other possible side-effects include hallucinations,
revelation of secrets, telling of truths,
flashbacks, headaches, nostalgia.
Can you believe this is happening to me on my last day of work?
My last day. I don't know if there was a party planned...
Evacuate the 6th floor.
I don't care if anyone dies.
I refuse to have long, gas-induced conversations
with any of you people.
Boy, you know, over the past 5 years,
we've had a lot of crazy characters and guest stars drop by 'TGS'...
Thank you.
Pete.
Thank you, Pete.
I can't believe it's been 100 shows. More like 100 little strokes.
You know The Girlie Show was working just fine,
and then Jack came along and forced me to hire Tracy,
and now look at us.
Oh, life was so much simpler back then.
I had a boyfriend, Denis.
I mean, sure, he was an idiot, but he made great chili,
and he didn't care if I watched TV during sex.
Yeah, maybe I was better off then.
Liz, we have to evacuate the floor. There's a gas leak.
What? What about the show?
Everyone, evacuate immediately. This is not a drill.
The gas is not affecting me yet, so I can lead you to safety.
Just follow these... troll penises!
Oh, God, what have I done?
He is an Oscar winner for his role
as D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda
in the movie Hard to Watch.
Please welcome Tracy Jordan.
Tracy!
Tracy.
Tracy?
Why don't you shut your mouth,
back that ass up, and make me a sandwich!
He's awesome!
You are still in character
as the verbally abusive D'Jeffrey.
I mean, he's become such a part of him.
So, Tracy Jordan.
You asked to come on our show
because you had a revelation
about your post-Oscar trip to Africa.
I lied to all you ugly white ladies.
I didn't go to Africa.
I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens
watching vintage pornography.
I love your honesty.
It's because you didn't feel like your authentic self
that you walked away from success.
That's actually very brave, don't you think?
No, it's un-brave! You should hate me!
I can't. You fly free.
I'm a bird in a cage.
Hey, you got to say around.
We've got our no-cook cooking hair make-unders.
What does that even mean?
It's new hair cuts,
but you can make salads with them.
A true artist that feels things we don't.
This is Today on NBC.
No, we can't do another "Pam", not tonight.
Frank, what is this? "Broken eyboard alk show"?
I write what I know.
Also, I broke my keyboard.
No, we're throwing everything out and starting over.
Only home runs, guys. Focus up.
It's just hard to concentrate. It's so nice working outside.
Tracy, how did it go? Are you on your way back?
It was a disaster!
What happened? What about our plan?
I'm so beloved, I could do no wrong.
Now, everyone's after me.
UNICEF, the Gates Foundation,
and what is Farmaid?
Is it a drink?
Is it a drug?
Is it a bandage you put on a barn?
See that's the kind of lazy standup I'll never do again!
Tracy, just come back.
Do the show tonight, and we'll figure all this out.
"F" you, L.L.
Spells "full"!
Because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon!
Listen to me, there's still time.
The media won't let you embarrass yourself,
Get the public to hate you, and the media will follow.
And then you'll get your old life back, trust me.
You better be right, Liz Lemon,
'cause I can't take much more of this.
I think Bono got in my limo.
Liz, do you think I'd be a good mother?
No! And I wasn't even drinking anything.
I just feel like I'm at a point in my life
where I'm starting to have this real desire to nurture my career.
I think pregnancy would be a great PR move.
Oh, my God, you want a baby to help your career?
Look, 'TGS' may be going away.
Being pregnant is a great excuse
for why I stopped working, instead of the truth.
I'm in my 40s, very difficult,
and not that good at playing "la realitee."
Jenna, think about this. You will have a child...
Who will grow up to be a little gay fancy man.
Well, good luck finding a man willing to ride that crazy train.
I'll have you know, I talked with a man this morning
who thinks I'd be a wonderful mother.
He must be an idiot.
He is an idiot.
Just maybe one more turn.
Then I can go home to my sweetheart.
I told her boy I'd hit a home run for him tomorrow night.
Here we go.
Damn it! I'm getting to old for this "shh" sound
that comes from this gas pipe.
Who are you? You're so handsome.
I'm Jack Donaghy, CEO of General Electric.
The question is, who are you?
I'm Jack Donaghy.
You were Jack Donaghy. You were magnificent.
I'm still magnificent.
No. I come from an alternate universe
in which I followed our plan for world domination.
I run the General.
I own an NFL team.
I guest starred on Entourage.
- What do you do? - I'll tell you what I don't do.
Wear a striped tie with a striped shirt.
It's called "power clashing," and I do it because I can.
I wore this on the January cover of Meetings magazine.
We made the cover during Meetings History Month?
I made the cover.
What happened to you, Jack?
You were supposed to spend 6 months in TV
as part of your climb up the GE ladder.
You've been here 5 years.
And here... isn't even GE anymore. It's Kable Clown.
Town, Donaghy, and that's not funny.
It was funny when I said it on my syndicated radio show.
You bastard. I'm doing fine!
You used to be a shark.
I still am. Look at my claws!
Sharks don't have claws.
You don't even know what a shark is anymore!
Oh, God!
And do you know why?
- No. - Liz Lemon.
Lemon?
She became your focus,
at the expense of your own ambition.
You should have realized within a week
that Lemon was a black hole unworthy of our mentorship.
And now it's 5 years later, and what are you doing?
Are you building factories in Bangalore?
Are you dining in the Palin White House?
- No. - No!
You're approving 'TGS' wrapped gifts,
baseball caps with stupid sayings from the show written on them.
What the hell is a Pwomp?
It's when two fat people...
I don't care!
What's happened to you?
To us?
We make me sick!
Mr. Donaghy,
- What? - Yes, Tom?
The gas leak has spread to this floor.
You got to clear out before you start seeing things.
- Thank you, Tom. - I'll clear you out!
Oh, okay.
I am a Jedi!
Hey, look,
Tracy Jordan is ironically re-appropriating his bad past behavior
as a commentary on Fitzgerald's dictum
that there are no second acts in American life.
I want to take a picture of him with my old-fashioned camera.
No, no!
- Help, I can't swim! - Damn it!
"Tracy Jordan saves drowning man"?
Oh, come on!
Why is Tracy off rescuing people?
Why isn't he here?
He will be. I promise.
And we need to be ready. Lutz, what are you working on?
Breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the throw-up on my shirt.
I would take my shirt off, but I visited my rescue chimp
for his birthday last week,
and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off.
He played with it,
and then he kissed it, and then he ate it.
Damn it, Lutz, focus up!
Where's my computer?
Cerie, did you not bring my computer down?
You said you were writing.
I've only seen you use that computer to look at pictures of Nate Perkins.
Ah, pwomp!
Hey, Jack, you're friends with Jeter and Springsteen right?
Can you call and see if they'll be in the cold open?
They'd have to kiss...
Oh, really, Lemon?
You're still needing my help?
5 years of my business life wasted,
and I'm still supposed to hold your hand,
your wet, yet somehow flaky hand?
What just happened?
You happened! Sideways Jack was right.
- Sideways what? - In here!
Did you also have to evacuate the NBC store?
No. It's just empty.
This TV nonsense was supposed to be my stepping stone
and instead it's my gravestone.
And do you know whose fault that is?
Sort of feel like you're going to say Leno?
You. I got so sucked into trying to repair you,
that I became the American auto industry
failing to recognize that you can't fix a lemon!
Wow, yeah, because the last 5 years
have been so great for me with you as my mentor.
I was better off before we met.
So what's your point, Lemon?
You'd rather be doing The Girlie Show
and going home to Denis?
I didn't say that. But at least Denis was always there for me.
He's the only guy I can say that about.
I dragged you down? Opposite!
I should have gone with my gut and fired you when we first met.
What? Flashback, please.
Uh, Pete, hang back.
Yeah, you bet.
We have a problem.
I can explain. My zipper broke.
I don't think Liz Lemon's female voice is a good match for Tracy Jordan.
Firing Lemon will send a message to the whole staff.
No, no, you can't fire Liz. This show is her life!
She hasn't got much going on. She threw a birthday party for her TV.
If you fire Liz, then I quit.
You'll never succeed by sticking your neck out for someone like her.
But if that's how you feel, so be it.
The important thing is that I fire someone.
Pete.
You tried to fire me?
And then a week later you're like, "Oh, I want to mentor you.
Unlikely friendship." Who do you think you are?
I'll tell you who I was, that guy that fired Pete.
And he could have run GE, but instead he got Lemoned!
I should have fired you from my life!
I knew you were supposed to push, but I didn't say anything.
Mmm!
The MSG is delicious today.
I'm so glad that you're able to meet me at my break.
Is this just to talk, or will you be activating my electric underwear?
Just to talk.
Paul, do you think I'd be a good mother?
Of course not! And I'd be a terrible father.
I mean, what if we had a child that was prettier than us?
We'd have to leave it in a desert.
But Kenneth thinks I'd make a good mother.
Oh. Is that something you'd want?
It wasn't something I'd thought about until Kenneth said I'd be good at it.
And of course it'd be great for my career.
Everyone would talk about my crazy name choice.
Right now it's between "Frisbee-face," and "Glok-Gender-lrrelevant."
I love you, Jenna Maroney.
I want to hog-tie you and hide you in the luggage compartment
of a Greyhound bus with just a bowl of dirty water.
I love you too.
But I don't know.
I mean, Kenneth Parcell may be the only man in the world
who thinks you should have a child.
Break's over, Paul.
- Hey, Dummy! - Gah, what?
Whoa. You look good.
You lose weight or something?
Your neck, it looks looser.
What are you doing here, Denis?
- I got your message. - What message?
Denis, it's Dummy. I miss you, come see me.
Things were better 5 years ago, Jack.
I was in my 30s and everything!
Waaaz aaap!
You've reached Denis's voice mail.
How you doing? Get out of here, Joey!
I'm recording my voice mail message.
Is that real?
Okay, I did call you, but I was not in my right mind.
- But you called me, Liz. - Oh, whatever.
'Cause down deep, you still got all kinds of queer feelings for me.
That's why I knew some day you'd be all vulnerable
from a gas leak or a coma or a super period.
- You're disgusting. - And I would be there for you.
No.
You were a mistake.
That I made at a time in my life when I could afford to make mistakes.
That's what I miss, Denis, not you.
Okay, gang, they fixed the gas leak, they're airing out the studio,
we can start heading back up.
Whoa, hold on a second.
You think I'm just going to give up now, huh?
I'm a Duffy, Liz.
And us Duffys, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland.
We didn't give up when America sent us back.
And we didn't give up
when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right?
Come on, it's not over, Liz!